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Maradonia™ and the Seven Bridges
In case you aren’t familiar with this novel: It is written by Gloria Tesch, a badly deluded self-published egomaniac whose parents self-published this book when she was 13 and has since regularly claimed to herself the title of being the “world’s youngest published novelist”. Despite not being the youngest. Or being published. If you’d like to know more about her, go here.
A couple of things before we get going:
First, the title as it appears on the front cover is
Maradonia™ and the Seven Bridges
. I can’t be absolutely certain, but I am about 95% positive that I have never seen someone add a trademark tag to the title of their first novel, let alone a self-published one. These two small, seemingly insignificant things tell us two things: First, the Tesches have an extraordinary amount of arrogance by assuming that anyone would want to be associated with the Maradonia™ brand, hence the need to copyright it. Second, the Tesches desperately want to sound as much like legitimate publishers as they can, which is why there’s two solid pages of copyright information just inside the front cover. Which is where copyright information is supposed to go. I mean,
is a registered trademark, but it doesn’t say
Harry Potter™ and the Deathly Hallows
on the front of Book 7, because it’s a fucking book cover, not a copyright page.
Second, the back cover of this doorstopper contains six phrases surrounded by unnecessary quotation marks, a trait that is going to drive me crazy as I spork this book. The only way to keep myself sane is to turn this into a drinking game.
Third, the chapter list (and there are ninety chapters) has the titles angled slightly across the page, instead of being straight up and down. It has the annoying look of the title page being caught off-angle in the printer, but I’m pretty sure there was just an error in the formatting. Either way, it contributes to the general shoddiness of this book.
Note: After self-publishing this novel, the Tesches went back and cut the book in half, re-releasing it as two separate books titled Maradonia and the Seven Bridges and Maradonia and the Escape from the Underworld. I own the original edition, so this sporking covers the first two books of the re-released editions.
Here we go!
Part 1: The Gothic Movement
Part 2: These Doves Are Crazy
Part 3: “Over the Tree, Dumb Shit!”
Part 4: The Poison Glitter Tree
Part 5: Emotionally Exhausted and Irrationally Confused
Part 6: Little Kamikaze Bombers
Part 7: Blitz Action
Part 8: An Eagle Needs A Push
Part 9: Food Effect’s Your Mood!
Part 10: Herds of Dolphins
Part 11: The Deadly Index Finger
Part 12: Then They Eventually Also
Part 13: Apollyon’s Club of Evil
Part 14: A Real ‘BBM’
Part 15: The Powers of Evil Believe in Teamwork
Part 16: Burning Snowflakes
Part 17: Abbadon Plays Hardball
Part 18: The Mother Earth Song
Part 19: And So It Was…
Part 20: Diarrhea of Words
Part 21: Emotionally Deeply Confused
Part 22: We Will Perforate You
Part 23: But What About Poison?
Part 24: The Man With the Unusual Beard
Part 25: He Loved the Women
Part 26: The Square Pig
Part 27: Schwarz Pulver Centers
Part 28: That Kind of Attributes
Part 29: Walking Contagious Disasters
Part 30: My Sweet Little Mermaids
Part 31: Our Children Are Very Special
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